Friday, September 24, 2010

He Can Cook, But He Can't Spell...


Nor can he conduct himself in a diplomatic manner... I had an absolutely bizarre exchange with local chef/pig lover Morgan Brownlow on Facebook last night. Being a fan of his cooking, I sent him a friend request on a whim a few months ago, which he readily accepted. Which was cool, no biggie, I've got a handful of relatively well known people on there, they appreciate the attention, I guess... whatevs. Then last night, for some reason, totally out of the blue, in the comment section of a perfectly innocuous post I put up about eating carrot sticks and listening to music, Brownlow took issue with my pumpkin risotto. Apparently, "riso" (his word), "should always fall flat on the plate" (and if it doesnt [sic] than [sic] you are an idiot or a [sic] effing hack - his words) rather than be contained in a "ramikin" (his spelling). Wish I'd known that ten months ago when I made the damn stuff, which, by the way, was tasty enough to get me laid, but never mind that... He then went on to call into question the quality and execution of my "riso," even though he's never tasted it (and never will). And then, get this, he went *off-wall* and PM'ed me (bear in mind that this guy is a big wig in the Portland food scene, and I'm a nobody) to tell me a few other things, such as... "If you pick a fight over food be prepared" (I didn't, but was); "I make my money by busting my fucking ass" (no doubt); "I don't know who the fuck you are" (despite the fact that he accepted my friend request; but true enough, and he's not likely to anytime soon); "Just because you have a blog doesn't mean you know what the fuck you are talking about" (again, true enough) and "I'm a doc of pork and fucking food." (this was in reference to my having mentioned my work in the field of sleep medicine... apparently he assumed I'm a physician, which I'm not, and felt it appropriate to compare his line of work - butchering pigs - to that of those who spend eight or more years in medical school and then go on to save the lives of strangers). Oh, and when I responded to his hubris with a reference to Icarus, his response was... wait for it... "Fuck Icarus."

You heard it here first, folks: Morgan Brownlow is a doc of pork and fucking food.

How this guy even knew about my blog, which I've neglected for at least the past four months, I have no idea... And why he was up berating me at 3:00 in the morning, I can't quite work out either (I work graveyard, so I have an excuse). Perhaps he'd just gotten off work and had a few beers in him? Who knows... But I'll tell you this: Michael Hebb is looking a bit less douchebaggy this morning!

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Were his comments all in lower case?

Dr. Virago said...

OK, that's kind of hilarious -- from a distance, anyway. Thanks for sharing the bizarreness!

tommy said...

Anonymous: Not entirely, but a little more than half the time, yes. Why do you ask? Is there an ee cummings inspired Morgan Brownlow impersonator trolling the interwebs? If anything is going to make this story even more bizzare, that would be it...

Dr. V: It's never boring around here, that's for damn sure...

Anonymous said...

So, we won't be eating any of his food when I get out there? LS

tommy said...

Well, I don't know if I'd go that far. He's a purveyor now, and his pork is starting to show up on local menus (he's a doc of it, you know...), including Beaker and Flask and Beast. The hogs are finished on hazelnuts, in much the same way hogs in Italy used to make prosciutto are finished on acorns.

Anonymous said...

It most certainly was the real thing. He likes the lower case - clarklewis.

tommy said...

Ah yes, lower case... clarklewis... Didn't make the connection. Who *are* you, Anonymous, I *must* know! And here's a thought: Perhaps "Morgan Brownlow" is actually the return of Andy Kaufmann...

UncleT said...

He really looks weird, too...

Trisha said...

T,

I just read this and found it HILARIOUS! I'm glad your food got you some action. You know ladies love a man who cooks! =)

tommy said...

Uncle T- You're right, he is kind of an odd lookin' feller. He's my age, almost to the day, but in many photos, he looks like he's fresh out of high school... Lucky him!

Trisha- Yeah, it is pretty hilarious, huh? Through most of the exchange, I honestly thought he was joking around. I'm thinking, Oh, he has a smart-ass sense of humor, so do I, this'll be fun. Took me a while to realize he was actually being kind of a jerk. In his defense, I'm pretty sure he'd just gotten home from the bar and was three sheets to the wind...

tommy said...

Nice to finally meet you, anonymous...

exintromommy said...

This makes sense now! The broken hip, not so much. In my experience, folks that attack others knowledge are usually small in the bed or used to be a fat kid. I love the randomness of it all.

Is this one of the chefs at clarklewis that went mad and left his wife and then she went on to start Beast?

Pumpkin risotto sounds fab- I made some Risotto with Delicata squash recently. I have gotten increasingly creative as my farm share has sent some interesting items, such as spaghetti squash. Who new something could be so filling?

tommy said...

No, that was Michael Hebb. This guy was the other partner in Clarklewis (oops, I mean clarklewis), who later went on to get involved with Hebb in whatever it was he was doing at the time to separate the good people of Seattle from their money, making Brownlow, to my knowledge, pretty much the only person in Portland still willing to have anything at all to do with the guy. That right there probably tells us quite a bit.

I should add, I think it's great that Naomi managed to get through that whole soap opera, get on with the cooking, find an audience and some success, salvage her rep and, most importantly, keep making really kick ass food. I was at Beast last weekend, and it was fantastic...

Laurie Thrasher said...

I too had a run in with this waste of oxygen, over a post that I made remark that he couldn't follow instructions. Oh hell no he went off his rocker.Posted hateful things to a mutual friend, threatening both of us. And his final wrong move was he posted this to my business page.
"Morgan Brownlow
May 30 at 9:10am
Laurie Thrasher is a total fucking worthless cunt. If you want a raging bitch then here she is"
He does not know me and I didn't see this until today almost a full month being on my page.
I did however make mention that he couldn't get it up and that is when he threatened to come to Phoenix and fire bomb my house.

Laurie Thrasher said...

From a reliable source he has a long history of going around the bend. He is now The Dalles and being just a mean and ignorant. Why would anyone hire this creepy blowhard?